No, actually, I don't know anything anymore.
Because a long time, yes, I thought I knew. I thought I understood.
In fact, I was clinging desperately to knowledge… Dressing it up like a costume. Itwas my greatest protection mechanism, my greatest bulwark against this worldthat frightened me so much.
Until EVERYTHING collapsed. All the psychological structure, all my certainties towhat I believed was “me”. Seeking to understand what was happening, I did whatI knew the best. I read. Stuffed myself with new « knowledge ». Spiritualknowledge. I tried to understand the path on which I had just fallen despite me. Iconsulted, listened, followed training courses, met masters.
But… At last, I lost interest too. Lost interest in explanations, recipes, lessons andall those people who are legion now, telling you how to be happy, how tobreathe, to meditate. Explain to you the effects of the next moon on your moodsor tell you what realization or enlightenment is.
The thrill is gone…
So much, that I came to wonder why I kept doing the same.
Why would I continue to be « a Presence on your path to Realization »?
Pure Consciousness of Being. Pffffff…
At a point, I realized how all this is so ridiculous! How I was again, a kind ofimpostor in that illusionary «freak show». But, at the same time, I saw howperfectly correct all this IS. How beautiful is this freak show…
Because between this and that, there’s the happy in-between.
When we think we understand, action emerges. It born from this will, to shareknowledge with others. But when we realize there’s nothing to understand, butsimply be what we are, what brings the being to act? To do?
Where is the middle ground between doing and being?
I fell in this kind of « no man's land ». For a while. I kept coming back to thisNOTHING. This nothing I know, this nothing I am…
The will to share fell apart. For a while.
Continually reminding myself « I know NOTHING ».
I am. That’s it.
I sank deeper and deeper. And then… Life rushed again. More powerful thanever! And I realized… I am also Life! A peaceful form of life, sheltering enoughlove to embrace all the suffering of humanity. Probably because I've beenthrough so much myself…
I don’t know.
But I know this: When I turned to my heart and felt so deep inside me all thewelcoming capacity it contained, Life suddenly took me in its arms, kissed me andpushed me gently on the back, whispering in my ear: « Go! Share! »
Since then, I share. Share a bit of what I am. Of what it is, in each wonderfulmoment of Life. It's not much, but it's something. It’s not more, but it’ not lessthan all the rest.
It's joyful, it doesn't take itself seriously and it loves life. So much!
And maybe « that », in a world filled with all sorts of illusory fears, worth sharing?Perhaps just as much as all the great Advaita, Non-Dual, Zen, Buddhist, Christianteachings? Maybe as far as any of these modern spiritual amalgams abounding, itdeserves to be expressed? Maybe, it’s important to remind that rather thanfinding explanations for the why of things, we can simply begin to accept, towelcome within us and simply LOVE?
A bit more each day…
Love this world as it is. With all our great opinions and our great certainties.
As we are… With all our strengths but also all our weakness. With the doubtsremaining and this uncertainty specific to Life.
Maybe I am enough « good » or « ready », to share the back story which hasbeen told for so many years? How this one ended, giving birth to this joy, living inme now and this love of Life carrying me and pushing me to share itself?
I profoundly feel I must keep faith there are people out there, somewhere, whoneed to hear that Life is beautiful. That suffering should not be fought, any morethan anything else. To hear that we have in our hearts a Love concealing a powerallowing us to welcome EVERYTHING of Life.
I have no clear answer when a doubt emerges about that need to share. Just aprofound momentum of Life to go on. I accept to not know with certainty, in thisworld where everyone seems to want to do the same as me as soon as they havetouched their truth. Some might say « go on, it's the continuation of your path ».But, if I could agree with this at the beginning 8 years ago, I don't feel it this wayanymore… I don't feel that I'm walking a path, but rather that it's the path thatopens in front of me. More and more widely.
But it’s just a feeling, I know. For the rest… I don’t know… I know nothing at all! Isimply live.
I’m returning to a kind of « oblivion », allowing me the wonderful peace to askme less and less questions and stay with the Silence. So, I’m just trying to live thelife that was given to me as best as I can. With all the love of which I am capable.
No, really, I don't know anything. So, I have nothing to teach. No certainty tobring. Just a Life to share, and so much love to welcome the Life that you are.
They say that knowledge liberates…
Really???
I think it's Love.
Submitted to SAND by Diane Gagné. Find out more at: diane-gagne.ca
Photo by davide ragusa on Unsplash
